I want to talk about what it means to create a trauma-informed and supportive environment. A place in which survivors feel safe enough to trust us with the experiences and secrets they may have carried for years.
In 1992, psychiatrist Judith Herman published Trauma and Recovery, a groundbreaking book about the impact of trauma and the process of healing. Her insights remain deeply meaningful today, and I want to share some of her wisdom with you.
Understanding Trauma and Social Pressures in Trauma Therapy NJ
I hope Herman’s words resonate with you. And encourage us to help build a world in which people are treated with dignity and respect, not as prey. Please note that Herman’s original writing often uses female pronouns when discussing survivors of sexual abuse.
Today, we understand more clearly that people of every gender, including men, transgender people, and nonbinary people, experience sexual violence and abuse. As you read these passages, please hold all survivors in your mind and heart.
Herman writes:
“As survivors recognize their own socialized assumptions that rendered them vulnerable to exploitation in the past, they may also identify sources of social pressure that keep them confined in a victim role in the present.”
She explains that survivors may need to “overcome these external social pressures; otherwise, they will be continually subjected to symbolic repetitions of trauma in everyday life.”
Many survivors question why they remained polite, quiet, or deferential in response to unwanted advances or threatening behavior. Women are frequently socialized not to make a fuss or appear rude, and to take responsibility for other people’s feelings.
Safety Over Politeness in Trauma Recovery
But politeness is not more important than safety.
Learning to protect yourself: even when doing so may evoke criticism or disapproval can be an empowering part of healing. Survivors deserve to know that freezing, complying, and appeasing are common survival responses. But the responsibility for abuse always belongs to the person who chose to cause harm.
Herman also writes:
“Survivors who grew up in abusive families have often cooperated for years with a family rule of silence.”
When survivors break that silence, “they renounce the burden of shame, guilt, and responsibility, and place this burden on the perpetrator, where it properly belongs.”
Breaking the Family Rule of Silence
Families may pressure survivors to remain silent for many reasons. They may say that an elderly relative cannot handle the shock. Or that the family does not need the disruption. Perhaps they believe that speaking out will destroy the life or reputation of the person who caused the harm.
But whose actions created the potential consequences?
Not the survivor’s.
The responsibility belongs to the person who committed the abuse. Anyone who blames the survivor for the disruption caused by disclosure is, intentionally or unintentionally, protecting the person who caused the harm.
Herman describes a survivor becoming ready to “speak the truth as she knows it, without need for confirmation and without fear of consequences.” She adds, “The power of the disclosure rests in the act of telling the truth; how the family responds is immaterial.”
This does not mean that disclosure is required for healing. Every survivor has the right to decide whether, when, how, and to whom they disclose. No one should be pressured to confront an abuser or reveal more than feels emotionally or physically safe.
Taking Control of Disclosure and Planning
For survivors who choose to disclose, Herman emphasizes the importance of preparation and control:
“The survivor should be encouraged to take charge of the planning and to establish explicit ground rules. For some survivors, it is a completely novel experience to be the maker of rules rather than the one who automatically obeys them.”
A survivor may decide in advance what information to share, whom to tell, and what support will be needed. Herman suggests first approaching people who may be compassionate and supportive before confronting those who are likely to respond with hostility or denial.
She also writes:
“By making a public complaint or accusation, the survivor defies the perpetrator’s attempt to silence and isolate her, and she opens the possibility of finding new allies.”
When others bear witness, they share in the responsibility to acknowledge the harm and help restore justice. Speaking the truth can also connect an individual survivor’s experience to a larger effort: one that may protect, strengthen, or encourage others.
Herman reminds us that a survivor may draw power from the ability to stand publicly and speak the truth. She writes that the survivor “has let him know he cannot rule her by fear, and she has exposed his crime to others.”
Breaking the silence can be profoundly empowering. It can also be frightening, painful, complicated, and emotionally exhausting. Survivors deserve to be believed, supported, and given control over their own healing process.
Our Adult Trauma Program and Mental Health Services in NJ
At The Center for Therapy & Counseling Services, our Adult Trauma Program offers a compassionate and inclusive place for survivors to heal. Our work is grounded in safety, choice, dignity, connection, and resilience. We understand that healing does not follow one path or one timeline.
Through individual therapy, education, support, and opportunities for growth, we help survivors make sense of what happened. Clients often reduce the power of shame and fear, and strengthen their voices. Many reconnect with their own sense of agency.
You do not have to tell your entire story before you are ready or confront anyone in order for your experience to be valid. You do not need another person’s confirmation to know what happened to you.
Your story belongs to you.
And when you are ready to share it, you deserve to be met with compassion, respect, and belief.
Warmly,
Melissa
